“Fantasy Fuck” Takes on a New Meaning

Well, I was wrong about a few things. None more surprising than the Jaguars fisting the Texans into a coma or Cincinnatti’s offense failing to show up at all. Thankfully I didn’t put any money on either of those. But the biggest surprises didn’t come from game predictions or individual performances. David Johnson got injured tormenting any first pick fantasy owners and did anybody else notice the colossal amount of interceptions? Every ticker under every game you watched just showed INT after INT after INT. Was Oprah handing out picks? This week across the league there were 25 picks. Twenty fucking five. What a bad look for the quarterback scene. With week 1 in the books, let’s recap the games and look forward to the coming season. 

KC 42 @ NE 27

Painful to watch. I have faith in my team and their ability to bounce back from this but they really did look like absolute shit. Now we can blame the defense all day or talk about Brady overthrowing a number of deep passes he shouldn’t have even a attempted but all in all, the Pats fell apart in this game. I won’t say they beat themselves because I refuse to take credit away from an extremely impressive rookie debut for Kareem Hunt. I don’t believe it was just poor defense from New England. Hunt has moves, speed, power, and loads of talent. Alex Smith also threw an almost perfect game. He’s steadily been a solid QB the last few years. If this keeps up, KC will find themselves in the playoffs for sure. 

NYJ 12 @ BUF 21

I actually liked this game. I don’t like either of these teams but it was a good game to watch. I expected more scoring at least from Buffalo considering the Jets defense is weak. McCoy looked good which surprised me because he sort of faded into the background last season or two. The bills are fast and hungry. Possible playoff run but that would be a wildcard spot. The Jets looked like the Jets. If this is your first year watching football, that means they looked like the younger brother of a professional team that mom made him bring along. They suck.

PHI 30 @ WAS 17

My only real explanation here is that the Eagles started watching those videos of the Angry Eagles Fan and decided he had to be stopped. Credit to Wentz, he played smart, moved in and out of the pocket well, and adapted to stay ahead of the defense. You can tell they want to rely on Blount heavily, giving him 14 carries but he came up pretty short producing only 46 yards. It was smart to toss him that super short TD pass because that opens up him as an asset on any kind of play. Washington needs to tape some footballs to some hands. The stats show three fumbles and I’m telling you they only had two. Two is still too many if you want to compete in the NFC.  Cousins did not have a second fumble, that was clearly forward motion and should’ve been called an incomplete pass. That wouldn’t have necessarily saved them, but if they contain the ball better and have more control, they will see success this year.

OAK 26 @ TEN 16

The Raiders are ready to be not just in the playoffs, but quite possibly win their division. Beast Mode is back and looks like he hasn’t missed a beat. We all know Carr, Cooper, and Crabtree can perform and did exactly that. I’m excited to see a Raiders team that doesn’t suck. It’s nice to mix things up and I like Carr as a player. I think he represents a long career similar to that of Brees. The Titans are good despite this loss. Don’t expect their defense to let up and I have confidence the offense will pick up the pace. I believe the AFC West is probably the most overall talented AFC division, and I suspect we will see the Titans contending in the playoffs. Great game all around.

JAX 29 @ HOU 7

I will eat this crow happily. I don’t regret picking the Texans because on paper AND based on stats and history alone, NO ONE in their right mind would’ve picked the Jaguars. That said, I was pleasantly surprised. Their offense wasn’t the shittiest thing in the NFL this week. Also in fairness, their defense DID rank sixth overall last year and MAYBE I didn’t account for that as much as I should have BUT let’s look at the real reason the Jags won: Houston’s second 2017 disaster. Move aside hurricane Harvey, we have a QB situation to lay waste. Tom Savage plays worse than uncle Rico. Going 7/13 with 2 fumbles makes you a third string QB having a bad day on any decent team. Watson wasn’t perfect with that interception and completing only 13 of 23 pass attempts but can we talk about how he played better than Savage? If I’m the Texans head coach, I work with Watson to fine tune his skills, and I pull a Romo on Savage. Put his ass on the bench and you’ll grab some W’s. 

ARI 23 @ DET 35
I will start by saying that if Stafford keeps this up, I will take back my “financial wtf” comment about his new contract. With 292 yards and 4 touchdowns, I’d say he’s earning his paycheck. Now people will point out the pick six he also threw, but Arizona was in the lead for most of the game. Stafford stayed mentally focused and delivered a HELL of a comeback. Bravo to the Lions defense tearing Palmer apart as far as interceptions go, and we all know Johnson’s injury is a huge loss but fucking A, the Lions offense delivered and that is massively due to Stafford’s performance. They keep this up and they have a legitimate chance at making their division, and possibly the NFC championship. But I doubt they keep this up for 15 more games. 

PIT 21 @ CLE 18

I’d like to ask how the hell this game was this close. My two options are either Pittsburgh’s offense is slacking or the Brown’s defense actually doesn’t play like the Browns. Either way, it makes for an interesting story for one week, but I don’t expect either theory to last the Season. If you think Roethlisberger and company can’t get it together, you haven’t watched football. If you think the Browns can perform well consistently, I recommend Sylvan learning. They’re good with the slow. 

ATL 23 @ CHI 17

Again I ask how this was so close. The Falcons should have devoured the Bears on both sides of the ball. Glennon is shit. The Falcons were dominant last year and only lost the super bowl because they went against a spiteful Tom Brady. I expected better from a team that should have a huge chip on their shoulders. I hope this isn’t a sign of a bad follow up season for Atlanta, but we will see. On the other hand, the Bears will win maybe 5 games. I feel generous. 

BAL 20 @ CIN 0

Sweet Christ, Dalton looked like Mark Sanchez during his Jets plays. Cincinnati usually waits until the playoffs to choke but maybe they get it out of their system early this year. The Ravens did play well but I doubt they have a playoff berth in their near future. The Bengals are better than they played and we should see that proven before too long from now. At least I hope the running game improves or my fantasy team is fucked.

IND 9 @ LA 46

I told you not to start Scott. I said it would be a bad time. The Rams offense was decent but put that aside. The defense made the Colts look like they belonged in another sport. I think the Rams have a chance to not be a joke this year and I’m actually a little happy for them. That said, you don’t win championships with Goff at QB. The Colts need Andrew Luck back but even that may not save their season. It’s time to plan for the draft. 

CAR 23 @ SF 3

Holy shit are the 49ers bad. Awful. Terrible. Horrendous. What do you expect from Hoyer? He was the backup’s backup in New England which is sad that he’s their starter in San Fran. They need to change their QB situation NOW if they want any hope at a decent season. Their defense was sub par at best but impressive to hold Carolina to only 23 points and even manage a pick. Or maybe it’s just an infection because this was one of a disgusting number of interceptions. Either way, I liked McCaffrey’s moves and I think the Panthers are bouncing back from a rough 2016 season. 

SEA 9 @ GB 17

I enjoyed watching this game because it was close for a long time and could’ve gone either way. Both defenses played well, and I thoroughly enjoyed Earl Thomas laying big hits. The offensive lines were the opposite. Absolute joke on both teams. Wilson and Rodgers had way too much pressure to fight through and almost no time to get a pass off. I expect improvements from both teams and we will definitely see them in the playoff picture but if those O lines can’t get up to par, neither team will get to the Super Bowl. I honestly think Rodgers deserves a shot at the title again so I’ll be disappointed if he can’t make it. Step it up, Green Bay.

NYG 3 @ DAL 19

Elliott came to play against a tough Giants defense. Took him 24 carries, but Zeke put up 104 yards which goes in line with his average per game last year. Hasn’t missed a beat. Neither has Prescott. I really like this guy. I’m supposed to hate the Cowboys according to my childhood but I don’t. I’m rooting for them even. Witten has played his ass off for too long to not get to at least an NFC championship game if not the Super Bowl. The Giants on the other side really missed OBJ. Eli looked like straight dookie as usual but worse because he didn’t have his star wide out to make ridiculous one handed catches. The Giants need a backup plan because nobody stays healthy forever. 

NO 19 @ MIN 29

Two words. Sam Bradford. What a game with 346 yards and 3 touchdowns while completing 27 of his 32 throws. One of the few QB’s to dodge the interception virus, he was composed, played smart, and threw dimes all four quarters. Can’t knock on Bree’s though, he stayed consistent with 291 yards and a touchdown. This was a battle of defenses and Minnesota looks fucking prime right now. Fantasy owners of Diggs probably jizzed with a 2 touchdown and 93 yard performance. It’s safe to say the Vikings are a legitimate threat in the NFC. AP only came up with 18 yards but they only gave him 6 carries. That alone tells me Payton doesn’t have a lot of faith in his starting RB. Add to that the one on screen exchange of words between the two, and things look ugly. If there is tension there, it needs to be dealt with before week 2.

LAC 21 @ DEN 24

This was a great game that swung both ways. The chargers look fast and aggressive while Siemian put up a decent game. All three of their touchdowns came from him and despite his weak completion percentage and the interception, he looks like a contender. Now credit where it is due on that clutch block by Broncos special teams. That was a game saving play especially because we know how Rivers can get when he’s hungry late in the game. It’s clear the AFC West is a tough as nails division with a metric ton of talent. It’s a good year for football fans.

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