So your favorite team either performed last week or didn’t but either way, it’s time to head into Week 2. I think it’s fair to say the league already looks vastly different than last season. Kareem Hunt broke out in a big way, the Jaguars (temporarily) shut me up, and Oakland made sure we didn’t forget their presence. Let’s dive into the coming matchups and talk about what to expect.
HOU @ CIN
I have to be honest, I don’t look forward to watching this. Both teams combined scored 9 points last week, threw a combined 5 interceptions, and gave up a total of 49 points. Neither side of the ball played great on either team so this basically a prime time matchup of two duds. I have to say I think Houston will take this one because I don’t see the Bengals completely flipping into actually working. Dalton may improve but not enough against a Texans defense that I still believe is a force to be reckoned with. I take Houston 14-10.
ARI @ IND
What happened to the Cardinals? Everyone wants to just say David Johnson’s injury destroyed all hope but Palmer doesn’t play as bad as he did last week. I mean he fell apart, man. Add to that the defense allowed a disgusting comeback by the Lions and you end up just disappointed. But good news Cardinals fans, you get to spank the Colts. That’s right, you get to rape their defense and shut down their no name piece of shit quarterback in their own backyard. Let’s face it, the Colts got their fudge packed by the Rams and if the Rams can do it, so can the fucking Cardinals. Arizona 28-10.
TEN @ JAX
I’m a bit torn on this one. The Jaguars put in work last week and tore Houston a new one. They played fast, they played smart, and they dominated every piece of the football puzzle. The Titans fell short against a Raiders team that looks fierce this year. I’m honestly at a cross roads here because while the Jaguars did fantastic it was against QB’s that I would argue rank much lower than Mariota. The running game is another story because Miller now and Murray now can be seen as mildly comparable. Taking all of this into consideration, I’m still just not ready to put my bet on Jacksonville. They’ve just disappointed too much in recent years. I take Tennessee 28-17.
NE @ NO
As much as I am a fan of Drew Brees and I respect the Saints organization I can admit I want the Pats to smother them. It’s nothing personal, I just can’t watch my team start 0-2. That doesn’t make this an easy pick though. The Saints couldn’t get it done against Minnesota but that doesn’t mean I’ll take them lightly. They are known to have a few off weeks a year and come back strong. The Saints also have a history of performing at peak levels at home. The Patriots on the flip side have some serious work to do defensively and with the injuries they’re up against it won’t be a cake walk on offense either. The one thing I will bank on is the fury of Brady. Brady doesn’t get beat and stare into space with that evil look for nothing. He comes back the next week and proves he is the greatest of all time. I take this pick with a hint of nervousness, New England in a fourth quarter showdown, 28-24.
CLE @ BAL
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying the Browns are a serious threat to anyone but I have to give them credit for at least slowing down Pittsburgh. Whether that was due to their playing ability or a lack of it on the Steelers, will be seen this week. Baltimore took it to Cincinnati hard. I mean like extra hard. No spit. It was hate fucking, not make up sex. Four interceptions and not to say Dalton is an elite QB but that’s an impressive defensive stat. The Browns may hold their own for some of the game but I have no doubts the Ravens snuff the hopes of Cleveland fans. Baltimore wins 30-13.
MIN @ PIT
The type of matchup I live for. Sam Bradford looked like a god against a good New Orleans defense. The Steelers may have started slow against Cleveland but they finished strong. I expect a lot of ground and pound from both RB units which will allow the big passes to Brown and Diggs. Bell should look more like himself this week and I expect to see Cook continue a great rookie season. This is a high scoring matchup that will see two tough teams try to wear each other down. I give this one to the Vikings because they have momentum and the Steelers may not be ready for it. Minnesota 35-31
PHI @ KC
Before you ask, yes I want revenge for what the Chiefs did to the Pats. Absolutely I would enjoy an eagles victory. Wentz impressed in week one and we will see more wins for the Eagles this season than originally expected, but that will not happen here. Never mind that arrowhead stadium is statistically one of the hardest stadiums to play in for visiting teams. Forget that Kareem Hunt had a monstrous debut and will certainly continue that trend the rest of the year. Alex Smith is on fire right now. He didn’t just beat a weak Patriots defense, he threw beautiful passes. Pinpoint accuracy and precision timing was the real killer last week. I will take the Chiefs 35-21
CHI @ TB
Chicago slightly impressed me against Atlanta last week. I did not expect them to keep that game as close or as low scoring as they did. Glendon is earning my respect under center, and their defense could’ve played a lot worse. Sadly I don’t see that being enough to stop Tampa on the road. The Bucs not only have some talented young players on their squad but they had their season opener postponed due to a horrendous hurricane tearing through their home state. They will play their hearts out for their home town fans. I like Winston at QB and I have faith in a solid defensive performance from them. I take Tampa 27-10.
BUF @ CAR
This could be a really good game. Buffalo looked good and most of you will say, “Yeah, against the fucking Jets.” You aren’t wrong but consider that the Jets know the Hills really well and consistently play them twice a year. I think Taylor’s got a few tricks up his sleeve and McCoy could put some first downs on the board. The Panthers had a field day but against the 49ers. So if you want to split hairs over who sucks more between New York and San Fran, be my guest. The fact is, Buffalo and Carolina are both going to play hard and it may be closer than you think. I take Carolina because of home field, Newton over Taylor, and McCaffrey’s youth and endurance. Panthers 24-21.
NYJ @ OAK
It’s really hard to stop laughing enough to write this. Slaughter. That’s the word I think of. Not a chance in hell the Jets even put up a reasonable fight. Carr is going to blow every hole in the defense. Lynch will bring Beast Mode 2.0 to the end zone more than once. Cooper and Crabtree are going to blow by the DBs. This isn’t a contest the Jets can win unless half the Raiders starting lineup gets injured. I take Oakland with zero sweat, 42-14.
MIA @ LAC
I’m a bigger fan of Ajayi than you. Yes, you reading this. I love the guy. I respect the Miami defense (a bit), but how can you expect any sane person to see this go their way? They are trusting Jay Cutler to lead the charge. Dude looks like an extra from Trailer Park Boys. Don’t even let yourself slip down the drug induced path of thinking he will play well. The Chargers will be at home, on a path of redemption from their opener loss, and they will play faster and smarter than the Dolphins. In Gordon I trust. Los Angeles wins 28-7.
DAL @ DEN
Clench your cheeks Denver, I’m making a bold call for you. With Elliott’s suspension hanging in the winds of “uuuuhhhhhh eventually…” I take all the pride in saying that as long as he plays this week, the Broncos take their first loss of the season. Prescott to Witten, or Bryant, or Williams, or Beasley. FUCKING Beasley with that behind the head one hander. You can hate the Cowboys with a passion but you can’t disrespect that catch. That was mental. The Cowboys are hot, Zeke is hungry, Prescott is a leader, and Denver is a formidable opponent that I think falls short. They have a great run situation with Anderson and he will have star games this year. Siemian took care of two TD passes and a rushing TD last week and looks promising. But they aren’t ready for Dallas. Cowboys leave Denver with a 35-21 win.
SF @ SEA
If you have any thoughts that San Francisco wins this game, I don’t know how you graduated high school. Their entire situation this year is abysmal and shows no signs of getting better. I had faith in them in the home opener and they let themselves get shit on. One would argue that’s fuel to improve this week but not against Seattle IN Seattle. The Seahawks blew it against Green Bay but don’t count them out. Wilson continues to play at a high level and I don’t see a world where Pete Carrol let’s his O line continue to slack off. San Fran will show up, get their asses beat, and leave frustrated. Seahawks by a long shot, 30-7.
WAS @ LA
I talked up the Redskins last week and they let me down. Granted, they played a good looking Philly team and kept it close for a bit. The Redskins can still do well this year, but it starts week 3. The Rams melted Indianapolis. Los Angeles is finally building a team that isn’t shit and their defense showed up to prove a point last week. Laugh at Goff all you want, he is going to surprise you in week 2. The Rams defense will continue to play at a high level and I also expect Gurley to put up high numbers against the Redskin defense. All of that said, it won’t be a blowout. I’ll take LA at home, 27-17.
GB @ ATL
Fuck. If you are a casual fan who supports a team or two and doesn’t know much about the rest of the league, this won’t make sense to you. I am projectile ejaculating at the thought of this game. If there are any gods, there are football gods and they graced us with this matchup. Matt Ryan against a Packers defense that contained the fast paced Seahawks. Aaron Rodgers against the ferocious Falcons defensive line. Now, all pleasure aside, this is a tough one to call. I almost want to put a conditional clause but I will swallow my indecision and produce my theoretical result for you to harass me about after the game. The Packers offensive line needs to step it up big time if they are going to win this. Rodgers is a great scrambling QB and has accuracy off any foot at any angle. I am going to go out on a bit of a risky limb here and say they get the job done in Atlanta. I like the Falcons and I expect the returning NFC champs to put up gritty fights all year but I think they get too comfortable with a small lead and Green Bay will capitalize. Packers 24-21 in a tight race to the last minute.
DET @ NYG
If you’re a gambler and you’re new to gambling on football, let me guide trough this one gracefully. The Giants are going to shit themselves and do basically nothing for the second week in a row. The Lions are going to march into New York, pull down Manning’s pants, spank him like the little whiny bitch that he is, and leave with his wife. Stanford will keep his fantasy owners happy. The Lions defense will grab some passes from Eli. The Giants offense will be off the field most of the game as they were against Dallas. Take your bet, put it on Detroit, and thank me later. Lions 34-10.
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