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I can’t explain what the hell happened last week. Most of it didn’t make any sense to those of us that watch football religiously. Regardless of the madhouse in week 3, I think we have some really good matchups in week 4. These games are going to be good to watch, and some of them will be closer than we may expect. Let’s take a look at my crystal ball and see what’s in store.

CHI @ GB

To kick this week off, we have a classic clash of historic rivals. Now I know some of you are thinking this will be a blowout because it’s in Green Bay and the Packers are clearly the superior team. As much as I would normally agree with you, we do have to take a few things into consideration. Firstly, the Bears actually managed to beat the Steelers last week. The Steelers have a very high power offense that gets shit done both on the ground and in the air. Now maybe Pittsburgh played a bad game but that still speaks to the Chicago defense holding up. On the other side we have the Packers who don’t look like themselves this year. Atlanta took it to them pretty hard, and then they almost lost to the obviously struggling Bengals. I think this one ends up closer than you’d expect from a game like this. I still pick the Packers to win though, 24-21.

NO @ MIA

Look I started Ajayi last week myself and I’m as sad as you are with the whole team’s performance against the Jets but don’t give up on them just yet. Miami’s defense will get back to a better state this year. Whether or not that’s against the Saints, I’m not 100% sure. The Saints on the other hand did show an improvement in their defense and as always, Brees impressed last week. I expect the Saints to maintain this momentum and go into Miami looking for blood. Miami will keep it from being a slaughter, but they won’t be able to hang. New Orleans takes a road win, 28-17.

BUF @ ATL

The Bills had an impressive victory over Denver last week for sure and they’ve played decent this year overall. Atlanta has managed to stay afloat but they seem a bit slower than last year. With all that said, I highly doubt Buffalo’s defense is good enough to sustain the versatility of Atlanta’s offense. Beyond that, I’ll go as far as saying the Falcons D line will get their hands on Taylor more than once. I don’t see this game going well for the Bills. Atlanta wins a home game, 31-14.

PIT @ BAL

Speaking of classic rivalries, we have the gritty war between Pittsburgh and Baltimore. Unless you just started watching football this year, you know what this is going to come to. The hits will be big, it’s more than likely a fight will break out, and the defenses are going to be amped up and keep the score low. The Ravens are coming off of an absolute massacre they suffered from none other than those god damn Jaguars. The Steelers are also coming off of a loss to the fucking Bears. I never thought I’d see a day like this come but we also had the lead singer from 30 Seconds to Mars play the Joker (fucking awfully) so anything is possible. This is a tough one to call, but I’ll keep faith in the Steelers ground and pound game. Pittsburgh wins 17-14.

CIN @ CLE

Ugh. Don’t make me watch this. I’d rather stub all ten of my toes individually. Look, It’s not that I don’t enjoy watching the Special Olympics but don’t sit there and act like its better TV than the regular Olympics. Cincinatti is 0-3 and couldn’t maintain their lead against Green Bay. Cleveland is 0-3 because they’re the Browns. This is a game that’s predictable. The Browns will look like they are putting up a fight but they’ll run out of gas. Cincinatti will walk away 1-3 with a win in Cleveland, 28-10.

LA @ DAL

I’d like to thank the Cowboys for making that embarrassing game in week 2 a fluke. They played well against Arizona and showed that they are still one of the top NFC teams and will head to the playoffs again this season. The Rams are also actually playing fairly well this year, and by the Rams I mean Goff and Gurley. Let’s not pretend they have a fantastic team. Yes, they aren’t as bad as they usually are but that’s not going to save them in Dallas. Expect Prescott to keep up the hustle, Zeke to put in those yards, and Dez to start looking more like the fantasy WR that I certainly need him to be. The Rams will put up a fight but it won’t hold. Cowboys win at home, 34-21.

TEN @ HOU

Houston scared the piss out of me last week for a minute. Nearly beating the Patriots is a feat in and of itself for the Texans. They have a future behind rookie QB Deshaun Watson and he has looked a lot better than hundreds of other rookie QB’s who have come and gone. The Titans on the other hand had their draft pick blossom into a formidable quarterback in Mariota. They also have a solid rushing attack lead by Murray. This is going to make for an interesting game. I expect to see a high scoring assault from both teams. Ultimately however, this is going to be a tough loss for Houston. Tennessee wins on the road, 35-31.

DET @ MIN

Who the hell expected Keenum to play the way he did? Don’t get it twisted, its a fluke. It doesn’t seem like Bradford will actually be 100% to start this week either which means Keenum will be up against the Detroit defense. The Vikings defense is tough to tear up but Stafford has been working for that big contract so far this year. I think the real difference maker here is the passing game because neither team is going to get a ton done on the ground. It may sound strange to say, but I think this is a road win for the Lions, 24-17.

CAR @ NE

Carolina is not the team they were two years ago. They struggled last year and while they have a 2-1 record, they seem to still be facing some issues on both sides of the ball. McCaffrey has some moves and I expect we will see him continue to perform this season but let’s face it, the Panthers are fucked. The Patriots had a really rough season opener but in the two games since then, Brady has tossed up 8 touchdowns and thrown 825 yards with no interceptions. He is on another vengeance tour. He has not lost a single ounce of his touch at age 40. You can bet your ass he will continue to put on a clinic for elite quarterback performance in week 4. Not only will New England win 35-14, but Brady will be responsible for 4 touchdowns and at least 350 yards.

JAX @ NYJ

Fuck you Jacksonville. I’m getting really tired of your off and on shit. You impress me in week 1, you fucking blow it in week 2, then week 3 you go to London and you spank the Ravens like your redheaded step child. Fine! You aren’t the worst team in the NFL. That would be your next opponents. The Jets are poo garbage at best. They got lucky against the Dolphins in my opinion. They don’t stand a chance against this Jaguars team and they momentum they have behind them. I’m probably going to regret this, but I pick the Jags on the road, 28-13.

SF @ ARI

How in the world Brian Hoyer was able to play the type of game he did against the Rams defense I won’t even try to wrap my head around but regardless, he looked good. Arizona is really disappointing their fans this year. David Johnson’s injury is a huge blow to the Cardinals, Palmer is just not what he used to be, and their defense is lacking. That said, I don’t see the Niners playing like they did against LA. This will be a rugged game that will see the Niners heading home with their heads down. Arizona wins it at home, 20-14.

PHI @ LAC

Damn it, Rivers. Get your shit together. You’ve thrown 4 TD’s across three games which would be decent if you hadn’t also thrown 4 interceptions! Not a good start to the season. The Chargers as a whole are struggling this year. They are easily the worst team in the AFC West and their offense as a whole averages 16 points per game. The Eagles on the other hand are scoring 25.7 points a game. Wentz has been playing well, the defense is doing alright, and I don’t see signs of them slowing down for Los Angeles. I see a road win for the Eagles, 35-14.

NYG @ TB

The Giants suck. Manning may have thrown a few touchdowns last week but they still suck this year overall. Eli is going to have a tougher time with Buccaneers defense despite their pathetic performance against Keenum last week. The Bucs had a fluke bad week defensively and will be back to normality in week 4. Winston will throw a TD or two and probably run one in on his own. The defenses of both teams should keep the overall scoring relatively low. I’ll take Tampa Bay at home, 24-14.

OAK @ DEN

This game is the fight for second place in the AFC West. This is a very important game for both of these teams. Denver needs to bounce back after their tough loss in Buffalo. Oakland needs redemption after falling short against a mediocre Redskins team. Most people will pick Denver because it’s at Mile High Stadium, and the Broncos have done more in the rush game so far this year. I will not be following the crowd. I’m expecting Carr to be out to fight tooth and nail, throw with precision, and lead his team to make a statement to Denver and the AFC as a whole. Oakland on the road, 24-20.

IND @ SEA

Well shit. A few years ago this would’ve been an exciting game but both of these teams are surprisingly 1-2 and unimpressive so far this year. The Colts have played better with Brissett under center but their defense is practically non existent. Seattle has hardly scored offensively and the Legion of Boom is all but a memory by the looks of them. However, with how bad the Colts are overall, this could be the week the Seahawks look like contenders. I like Jacoby, but I have to take the smart pick. Seattle wins at home, 17-13.

WAS @ KC

Washington fans must be all excited after that big win over the Raiders last week. Cousins looked like a hot shot. The defense played a great game. The whole team looks good! Right? Good isn’t good enough against the Chiefs this year. Kansas City is on an NFL wide tour of pain. Kareem Hunt continues to make huge plays and put up big numbers. Alex Smith is throwing like an absolute stud and I can’t believe he was available to pick up in my fantasy league week 2 but I’m glad I got him. The Chiefs defense is also playing at a high level with some high pressure pass rushers. Kansas City is on pace to take the #1 seed and that trend will continue at home against the Redskins. Chief go 4-0 with a home win, 42-24.

Thanks as always for checking out my fortune teller shit. Don’t forget to follow all our social media on the home page, share this article with your friends, and make sure to come back Tuesday for the week 4 aftermath as I break down why it’s total bullshit if I’m wrong, and why it was so obvious if I am right. Oh, and don’t forget to wipe your ass with toilet paper that has the Jets logo on it because they fucking blow.

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