What a week. The Cowboys nearly beat the Packers, the Chargers pulled out a win and proved the Giants are trash, and Jacksonville proved that they invented the technology to take us to a parallel world where Roethlisberger throws five interceptions. I’ll get to my frustrations about that later, I promise. Ultimately, this was a week of battles and a few surprises. Let’s review how week 5 played out. For the record, this is going to be a short read for you because I’m recovering from my birthday drinks as I write this.
NE 19 @ TB 14
This was too close for comfort in my book. New England has to do better on defense and that offensive line has to give Brady an extra second or two more consistently. The Bucs could’ve easily won the game had they not made their fair share of bad penalties and if Folk had managed to make even two out of the three attempted field goals. I mean if I was a Bucs fan, I’d forgive missing the 56 yard attempt but a decent kicker would hit the 49, and with an adrenaline rush even I could make the 31 yard shot. That’s just unacceptable from a professional. Pats can get back to the Super Bowl if they make the right adjustments.
BUF 16 @ CIN 20
When I saw this score as I was checking the updates on my fantasy team, I was shocked. I immediately hit the NFL app to verify the accuracy. I know the Bengals defense is damn good and there’s certainly no denying that after this game but their offense actually showed up against a tough team. The Bills are no joke this year so this win means a lot for Bengals fans that hope to see Andy Dalton get to wild card weekend and choke as always.
NYJ 17 @ CLE 14
Wel no shit. What planet do you live on if you thought the Browns were going to win? They’re the Browns! They have no season. They have no postseason. They exist as an extra bye week disguised as a game for 31 NFL teams. Fuck the Jets, they suck too.
CAR 27 @ DET 24
Damn. Carolina is riding the momentum from that big win in New England. If the Panthers can keep doing exactly what they are doing, they have a shot to head to the NFC Championship game. If that happens, I’m almost positive it would be in Green Bay and they would lose to the Packers. That’s not an immediate concern for Carolina but it is for the Lions. Detroit is right behind Green Bay in the NFC North and will have to manage to get past them if they want a shot at the big game in February. Detroit didn’t lose this game in my opinion, Carolina won it.
SF 23 @ IND 26
Say what you want about Brissett, he played better than Roethlisberger this week. Indianapolis has had their struggles this year defensively but this is a good win for them. Granted it’s against a lackluster Niners squad but it’s still a win at home and they need that for morale. The Colts remain in last place in their division behind Tennessee, Houston, and Jacksonville so this year is basically a practice run for them at this point. They need to identify flaws and make adjustments for next season. San Francisco is in a similar position being in the same division as the Seahawks and the Rams which are both teams that will easily beat San Fran down in the regular season and wild card weekend if necessary but seeing that the Niners are 0-5, I doubt it will be necessary.
TEN 10 @ MIA 16
Well, I guess that’s what happens when Mariota gets hurt. Leave it to Cutler to still stink up the place and Ajayi to move the ball about as much as him and yet they win. This was an ugly game and I’m glad I didn’t watch it live. Neither of these teams has huge aspirations to make it to the playoffs but the Titans could’ve before the Mariota injury. Miami is just really stupid for signing Cutler.
LAC 27 @ NYG 22
Vegas was wrong and so was I. I will own my decision to pick the Giants but I was definitely doubting myself all weekend. The Chargers aren’t fantastic but they have more of a running game and Rivers has consistently performed at a higher level than Eli Manning in recent years. Eli has the rings, yes, but he has since declined. Congrats to Chargers fans, (all 6 of you), you finally have a win. Giants are downright garbage.
ARI 7 @ PHI 34
I don’t know why I continue to be disappointed by Arizona. I didn’t pick them this week but I was hoping they could at least keep it close or maybe even pull off the win somehow this week. The Cardinals do not look like the team they were a year ago. The Eagles however are keeping the city of Philadelphia happy for once. Usually they play like two good games and then blow the rest of the season but this year they’re actually pretty damn good. I’m impressed by Wentz and I thoroughly anticipate more high level performances by this team heading into the postseason.
JAX 30 @ PIT 9
I want the entire city of Jacksonville to eat shit. I hate your damn team. Normally I would just respect the talent they have and the execution of their plays and the fact that after many years of horrible seasons, they have finally turned things around and become a solid team. But no, I’m not doing that. I’m not giving you the satisfaction because every single time I become even a little tempted to give you credit, you go to your next game and you suck like a meth head who’s had withdrawals for two days. You picked off Big Ben five times. You allowed no touchdowns whatsoever. I will congratulate Fournette because hes been fairly consistent and he has a bright future in this league. I would cry for Steelers fans but what can you expect from a team made up entirely of convicts? I’m only kidding! It’s sad to see a top offense fall apart completely like that.
SEA 16 @ LA 10
I definitely jumped on the Gurley and Goff train which backfired this week. Granted, neither of them played terribly, but neither of them managed to score either. Seattle’s running game was basically shut down by the Rams defense but the main difference was Wilson was able to throw just one singular touchdown pass. He couldn’t move the ball as much as Goff, but he could put it where it counted. The Rams are still not a team to take lightly and Seattle may be getting back into their swing from recent seasons despite their slow start this year.
BAL 30 @ OAK 17
I know that if you read my articles leading up to this one, it certainly looked like I was all about Oakland and I still like what they have. I think the Carr injury is devastating and he is a tough act to follow. Lynch needs that passing game to spread out the work load. He can’t carry this offense on his shoulders. The Raiders defense is usually formidable but Baltimore did a number on them which is surprising but it’s a good sign for Ravens fans because they’ve not exactly been phenomenal this year.
GB 35 @ DAL 31
Aaron fucking Rodgers, guy. This man is one of the greatest to ever step on the field and this game is just more proof. I will certainly give credit to the Packers and I do think they are the team to beat in the NFC but I have to talk about Zeke and Prescott. This kids just keep showing up. Prescott puts up 251 yards and three passing touchdowns to match Rodgers evenly, he runs a touchdown in but the real separation here is that he did throw a pick. Zeke puts in 116 yards but unfortunately can’t make it in for the score. This game came down to the defenses and Green Bay just played better. All the credit in the world to the offenses of both teams putting up fantastic numbers but the edge goes to the Packers and that is why I firmly believe they will be in the Super Bowl this year.
KC 42 @ HOU 34
First, as we all can see, the Chiefs are relentless this season and they still look like the #1 seed. However, I want to shift the focus to Deshaun Watson. What a goddamn rookie season to have. This is his second game with 5 touchdowns. He is an effective scrambler, he throws well, he leads his team down the field, and he’s just getting started. This is your franchise player, Houston. Obviously Kansas City has their own rising rookie in Kareem Hunt who put up 107 yards to maintain his impressive season numbers. Ultimately this game came down to pressure on the quarterback and KC didn’t let that monstrous defensive line get to Smith as much as the Chiefs got to Watson. Granted, Watson handled it very well for a rookie but the Chiefs are a well oiled machine right now. Both of these teams will be in the playoffs this year.
MIN 20 @ CHI 17
This was more entertaining than I expected. I figured the Star Wars trailer would be the highlight but this was actually a good game. When I saw Bradford was starting I expected a slaughter. I’m talking 31-13 or something crazy. Sam was awful so Keenum came in and did what Bradford wasn’t: scored. Chicago actually played relatively well in all aspects of the game. Trubisky already looks better than Glennon and I think he has earned the starting position going forward. I don’t expect a playoff run this year but possibly in a season or two. The Vikings needed this win to keep up with Green Bay and Detroit. They’ve got work to do if they want to keep in it. Ultimately the Vikings defense played better and got that clutch interception on Trubisky near the end but this isn’t the last we see of this young QB.