Brace Yourselves, Minnesota

We’ve made it through five weeks of injuries, highlights, surprises, and upsets. We are more than 25% done with the NFL regular season already and things look vastly different from recent years. Jacksonville continues to lead the AFC South which by itself is both impressive and shocking. Now I’ve had a hard time these past few weeks accurately guessing the outcomes of these games but I am determined to do better this week. Let’s dive right in.


This is a test of two defenses for sure. Carson Wentz is leading a fast paced Eagles offense that just seems to get better each week. Cam Newton is at the front of a diverse Panthers offense that takes advantage of his mobility and speed as well as the speed of his receivers. This is going to be a battle but I don’t expect the score to climb too high. Ultimately, I think the Panthers take the win at home, 21-17.


This is a very easy pick to make. This isn’t a competition of snorting lines so that rules out the Dolphins for a win. Atlanta is the returning NFC Champs of last year and they’re just better in all aspects of the game of football. Plus, Miami has Jay Cutler which is like asking for ass cancer. Falcons win, 35-13.


I’m not a fan of either of these teams. I’m not a fan of most teams outside of my home team the Patriots but there are a few. I am however a fan of talent and athleticism which is why I’m liking Trubisky. I think it goes without saying he was impressive in his debut against the Vikings and I can certainly see him being one of the greats of the new generation. Flacco on the . other side has a solid resume but maybe isn’t the quarterback he was. Now I’m not saying Trubisky is as good as Flacco’s career showed, I’m just saying bitch he might be. I will take the Bears on a road win, 27-21.


I’m honestly getting a little annoyed that I even have to talk about the Browns each week. They aren’t worth the keystrokes. Deshaun Watson is going to physically and mentally abuse Cleveland the same way all their priests did. Texans with a slaughter victory, 42-10.


I get it, I had too much faith in Sam Bradford. He started out looking far superior to his previous attempts at football. To make matters worse, I assumed Keenum was trash but he is actually saving the Vikings season this year. The Vikings defense has held fairly well but they do have one ungodly problem this week: Aaron Rodgers. The man, the myth, the legend, just got done pulling off another ridiculous late comeback victory over the Cowboys. There is no question that Aaron Rodgers will be a first year hall of famer. He isn’t even human. Packers win, 34-17.


I’m looking forward to this game. The Lions have a better team than in recent years and the Saints have struggled. Now under normal circumstances, I would consider it a New Orleans home win with very little contest but I wouldn’t count out Detroit so easily. Their run game is certainly nothing to write home about but Stafford has some tricks up his sleeve. I’m going to go against the norm here and say Lions win, 24-21 in a fourth quarter comeback.


If youre going to read this with the thought in your head, “Well they have the same record” then you are as dumb as shit. The Jets deserve only 2 of their wins considering one was against the god damn Browns. The Jets are trash, they will be trash this week, and just in case you aren’t expecting it, they will be trash all season. Patriots with an angry road win to prove a point, 42-21.


This is a simple matter of statistics and probability. Hoyer against the Redskins defense or Cousins against the Niners defense. Maybe two or three years ago I would spend more time thinking about it but not this season. Redskins take a home win, 24-13.


I’m so heartbroken by the Cardinals. They were a hell of a team man, R.I.P. I wish I could say I have faith in them coming back strong this week but I’m all out of faith at this point. Their running game is hurting so bad they signed AP and we all know he just isn’t AP anymore. I’m taking the Bucs for their tough defense and versatile offense, 28-24.


I’m angry at the fact that I even consider this to be a good game between two legitimately solid teams. The Rams were a joke for the longest time. The Jaguars were a joke for even longer. Now you have Bortles throwing touchdown after touchdown, Fournette is running through defenses and the both defenses have been a nightmare for teams to deal with. As much as I am tempted to pick the Jags after that absolutely horrific massacre they laid out on Pittsburgh, I am wise to these bastards tricks. They’re really good one week, and they screw the fucking pooch the next. This is that next week. Rams win, 31-21.


Well fuck me silly, Steelers fans get to cry again. It’s no secret that the Chiefs are at the top of the NFL right now and don’t show any signs of slowing down just yet. Pittsburgh didn’t just lose to Jacksonville last week, they got beaten down. When is the last time Roethlisberger threw 5 interceptions in a single game? I’d look it up but I don’t actually want the answer. Long story short, Kansas City is at home and ready to show Pittsburgh who the boss of the AFC is. Chiefs win, 28-13.


No one will be happier to see Derek Carr return to full health than me. I really like the guy and I think he is the biggest reason the Raiders aren’t the joke team anymore. That said, the Chargers finally got their first victory of the season last week against the New York Giants which is like saying that I beat Stevie Wonder at ping pong. I want to like the Chargers and I respect the hell out of Rivers but, Oakland’s defense is going to do what they do and even with Manuel under center, he’s got Crabtree to throw to. Raiders win at home, 17-13.


If you have to question this one, you really haven’t paid attention this year. Not only is the Giants receiving core more banged up than Ray Rice’s wife in an elevator, the entire team is playing like you asked a horse to play piano. Just bashing your head against shit isn’t going to make it work. Denver on the other hand has had a consistently dominant defense, a consistent rushing attack, and Siemian is playing at a very high level. Broncos win this without breaking a sweat, 35-21.


I guess this will be what most people would consider to be a hot take but here goes: Jacoby Brissett will tear this defense a new one. If Deshaun Watson can put up 5 touchdowns against the Titans, then Brissett can manage at least 3. However, there is a conditional clause to my prediction for this game. If Mariota returns this week, it will be a high scoring shootout because both defenses are garbage right now. I will assume that Mariota does not play on Monday night and the Titans wait another week. With that in mind, I pick the Colts on the road, 31-17. If Mariota plays, Titans win 34-31.

As always, thanks for checking out my post. All your love and feedback is appreciated and definitely doesn’t go unnoticed. Share my posts with your friends and family, follow all of our social media on the home page, and make sure to get your ass back here on Tuesday so I can dissect what actually happened in week 6. Also don’t do drugs on video when you’re a line coach. Don’t do drugs on video at all. Stop.


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